Subject: Might be a hard core bowhunter if:
From: JLS in AZ
Thought I'd lighten things up a little after all the bad news going around so-
You might be a Hard Core Bowhunter if:--
1. You have more parts than bows laying around the workshop;
2. You have 47 dozen aluminum arrows in various sizes ... none of which are straight;
3. Your archery tacklebox is bigger than your car trunk;
4. Your family is used to the smell of doe pee and cow in heat lure;
5. You have more sets of camo than you do business suits;
6. You bathe more in hunting camp than you do at home;
7. The neighbors no longer call the cops to report a scream when you're practicing with your bugle before elk season;
8. You've got more McKenzie body parts laying around your yard than most pro shops have in stock;
9. Your bowhunting setup cost more than your first honeymoon;
10. Your kids and dog forget who you are during the hunting seasons;
11. You only spend 8 hours a day at work so you can spend 16 hours a day sitting in a stand on the weekend;
12. Your grandmother/grandfather/uncle/aunt/cousin/etc have each been buried more than once and you attended each funeral ... or at least the boss thinks so;
13. You've ever mixed up your pee bottle and your thermos in the dark (My Joe this coffee sure has a whang to it!);
14. You spend more than 3 hours a day reading threads on the Bowsite!
You know the date of bow season but can't remember your anniversary.
wife?????? kids???????? oh yea.....
Your scared of heights, but, have no problem hanging on a tree 20' up with one arm trying to hang a stand with the other.
15. Squirrels in your hunting area treat you like family.
16. Your regular street clothes are all shades of brown and green.
17. You're license plate is "BUKFVR", or "BUGLER".
18. A corner of your garage looks like a display for a museum entitled, "The History of Treestands."
19. You costantly estimate the range to everything
20. While watching tv that shows any game animal, you always look for the best angle and time to shoot.
It kills you to get up at 6:00 to go to work but you pop out of bed at 3:30 to go hunt.
20: If your neighbor's wife asks you to move your Mckenzies because her kids think they are real deer and they want you to stop killin em.
21: If you have eye-bolts screwed into the ceiling of the garage to hang deer on.
22: If you keep extra rolls of carpet around to put in the camper instead of trying to wash the blood out.
You go to a 3D shoot on Valentine's day and just leave flowers on the table
You compare the insides of your wife during a C section to deliver your baby to a gutpile. Been there, done that, regret the comment for the rest of my life.
23: If you've got targets placed strategically throughout the house so you can shoot after dark, with walkways blocked by baby gates to prevent injury to your spouse and kids.
24: If you've got a tree stand mounted to your chimney for practice.
25. The people who take your order by phone at Cabelas ask how the wife and kids are doing. 26. You wander aimlessly through the hunting department of your local Wal-Mart during the offseason.
27. Your wife has told you that she refuses to wear any more of that funny smelling "perfume" thats comes in the little brown bottle.
27. your buddies ask you how is it hanging and you say there not there draggin.
26: You go thru the drive-thru at a fast food joint and you're 3 year old child yells out at the intercom that he wants a super-sized order of backstraps.
28. ....You firmly anchor the mouthpiece of the phone to the same place at the corner of your mouth every time you use it.
25:If you have your own tray in the refrigerator for scents and lures 26:Your wife buys all your socks and underware at the bow shop 27:If your wife dosen't ware white or brown PJ's to bed during hunting season 28:If your water bill triple's during oct.& nov. 29:If your family eats dinner without ya during oct&nov 30:If your kids were afraid to have Santa land his sled on your roof
30. If your children have watched more hunting videos than Barney.
31. You've ever gotten road rash from sliding down the tree you're hugging;
32. The term "tree-hugger" to you means someone who bought a cheap deer stand;
33. You shave your arm more testing your broadheads than you shave your face using a razor;
34. You've ever used the words "Bubba, treestand, bigun and gutpile," in the same sentence;
35. You take out a third mortgage on your home so you join a deer lease;
36. Every right hand glove you own is missing 3 fingers.
37. For 4 months of the year your trunk looks like a search and rescue supply depot.
38. You have knee surgery on December 23 and you still go hunting on Christmas day.
this is great, keep it up.
39. You walk in the house before dark and your wife asks you what the he__ you are doing home.
40. Your kids don't realize they sell meat at grocery stores.
41. Your daughter thinks 'camo' is a color.
42. Your reindeer Christmas decorations have arrow holes in them.
43. You find ways to fit archery terms into your nickname.
44. You've got more than one arrow hole in the side of your shed/house/garage;
45. You've developed a taste for crackers with either vienna sausages, potted meat and/or Spam;
46. SPAM Mail is how your wife describes you after a weekend hunting trip;
47. You're more concerned about your feathers staying dry than catching pneumonia;
48. Your wife finds the equivalent to three rolls of toilet paper in bits and pieces in her washing machine after washing your hunting pants;
49. You own any item of clothing that carries a tag with a word ending in "TEX" written on it.
50. You can field dress a deer faster than you can change a baby;
44. After about a month of bow season the lady next door asks your wife if she is separated.
CT Kevin - No. 25 hits closer to home than some mite think-ROTFL
Are legally blind but can hit a quarter at 40 yds
45. You have your kids put a 3-d target in the back of your 78 ford, and drive really slow. This allows you to practice on moving shots.
44. You have tree steps in all your tool boxes.
45. you show up befoe dark and your wife asks "How big is it"?
46. We know we are hard core bowhunters, when we can not number these things in order!
46. You have looked at Bill Jordan/ Will Primos/ ect... more than anyone else lately.
47. You have seen more hunting videos than you've seen videos with your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend!
48. You have had more bows in your life than toothbrushes.
49. You paint your car different colors of green, brown, gray, and black.
50. You shoot your bow so much that your release breaks!
51. You say the word buck,elk,moose,bear,caribou, or turkey in every sebtence.
47. when you take family vacations in the car and your wife has to drive at dusk and dawn so that I... er you can search the ditches and fields for deer.
52. You re driving and you spend more time checking the fields for deer that watching the road ahead.
53. You see a painting of woods and fields, and you analyze it for the best stand placement.
54. You read the word does in a sentence, and you automatically think of female whitetail deer.
55. You know the people on the TV weather channel by their first names.
As you drive down the road, you picture 10 rings on all the horses and cows.
Buy dental floss for your bow but not your teeth.
56. Each one of your six kids takes a deer mount to school for show and tell.
While driving, you spend so much time lookin through the fields for deer, you don't see the deer in the road! At least I stopped BEFORE I hit it!!
57. You've ever given yourself a fat lip with a release;
58. You've said, "Awww, it don't hurt," after forgetting to put your armguard on;
59. You've ever tried to figure out some way to use your haul rope to lasso the arrow that just fell off your string to the ground;
60. You've ever almost had an "accident" in the woods in December because of too many clothes and not enough anatomy;
61. You've called in sick to work then gone hunting with a fever over 101;
62. You've memorized the Easton Arrow Shaft Selection Chart but cannot remember your own kids' birthdays because "you haven't got a head for numbers"
63. You've cleverly scheduled all your kids' birthdays to occur before or after hunting season;
58). You disagree feverishly after readin' one of Bill McNeals posts 'causin' you visualize him wearing a kilt with wet depends on !! :o)
59). Make employment decissions based on whether you can get vacation time in the fall !
60). Can turn any vehicle ever produced into a perfectly good DEERFORCE 1 !
61). You judge every purchase your wife makes by how many dozen arrows you could have bought !
62). Your bow is worth more than the car you drive !
63). You spend more on doe pee per year, then on flowers !
64). You start postin' your thoughts on the stickbow !
64). You disagree feverishly after readin' one of Bill McNeals posts 'causin' you visualize him wearing a kilt with wet depends on !! :o)
65). Make employment decissions based on whether you can get vacation time in the fall !
66). Can turn any vehicle ever produced into a perfectly good DEERFORCE 1 !
67). You judge every purchase your wife makes by how many dozen arrows you could have bought !
68). Your bow is worth more than the car you drive !
69). You spend more on doe pee per year, then on flowers !
70). You start postin' your thoughts on the stickbow !
71). you can copy and paste, fixing your post faster than TennBow can climd a tree !
58) the game warden knows you on a first name basis
59)You have used a metal detector to find lost arrows
60)You use all your vacation days in november.
64: All your tomato stakes have XX75 on them 65: Your house is on fire and your torn between your bow, your mounts, and your wildlife art on the first trip out. 66: Your wife uses Sport Wash sometimes when she's not out of Tide. hd
65. When you return home from hunting trips and the wife comes to door saying, "Can I help you. Sir?"
66. When your voice-mail says, "Bows and Arrows are my game, when I return I'll get to you after the seasons end, just leave your phone number and name!"
67. When you get your Internet Bill from your server and it says, you've exceeded your unlimited hours of use by several hundred hours; therefore, you owe us.... above your subscribed $19.95 flat rate.
68. You deliberalty lose your job every Oct-Dec so you can devote all your time to the woods and collect un-employment to pay your bills.
69. You have absolutly no problems with tossing a dead deer in the back of you wifes brand new SUV with no liner.
70. When your looking to buy a house you choose it by the type of archery range you can build in the back yard.
71. You own stock in Bowhunters Warehouse.
72. You plan your retirement in regards to the size of the deer in the area.
73. Every time you go to Walmart or Kmart you have to make a meritorious pass and review of the sporting goods section even though you dont have any money.
72. You've ever had to explain to your wife or mother how the hole got in the bedspread hanging on the clothes line;
73. You've ever had to outrun an animal you've shot;
74. You know the difference between a FMH and a SMH;
75. You've ever left more than $30.00 worth of arrows stuck in the top of a tree because you missed that stupid squirrel more than once.
76. You have a ballpoint pin with fletches on it;
77. Your wife knows exactly which BowSite threads to check from work so she can check up on ya [Hon the carbs already on yer Blazer, The dogs has been bathed an the new shed has all your gardnin stuff in it]
78. Ya have to have two extra bedrooms to keep yer bows in 79. Ya will not consider buyin property unless it has first a clear lane of fire an second enough room for at least a 90 yard range
80. Ya need a basement to work on yer bows.
81.Ya have wind chimes all your house thet has XX75 printed on em
82. ya keep a TRUCK BOW rather than a truck gun
83. ya find yerself postin to threads with "might be a" in the title
# 84. When you take the kids to the zoo you're constantly judging the distances to all the animals and wishing you had brought your bow!
#85 First thing you do when you wake up in the morning is check the wind.
#86 When a mining company comes to you and want to buy the mineral right to your land and say they found a large aluminum deposit in your back yard.
#87 when the cursor on your computer is a spinning arrow. Trail.
88. You and your wife get ready fer a little huggin an kissin after the kids are in bed, an you start rubbin yer head against the bedpost and start pawin at the floor.
89. You've ever felt a pile of droppings to see how warm they are;
90. You've ever bailed out of a treestand during a thunderstorm because the hair on your neck stood up;
91. You've ever had to have stitches in your butt because you sat on a broadhead; (Dr.'s and nurses seem to think this is exceptionall funny)
92. You've ever had to walk three miles out of a swamp because your huntin buddy said, "Aw thet hole ain't that bad. I drove thru thar yestidy," and he doesn't bother to mention it was on a John Deere;
93. You've ever tried to sneak across a pasture before daylight, only to slip and bust your butt in a fresh steaming cow pie (instant cover scent);
94. ...your three children are named Mathews, Browning, and Hoyt.
95. ...you get goosebumps when Jackie Bushman says, "I'm gonna go get the four wheel 'ah."
96. ...you bought a new VCR with 4 heads so your freeze frame will not get the fuzzies.
97. ...you have your license tatooed on your buttox.
98. ...the local taxidermist calls you for advice.
99. ...your first rack is bleach white and hangs on a rusty shed.
100. ...you've read through a hundred of these jokes.
If you ever tried to hang a tree stand in your christmas tree
If you call your wife dear instead of honey
If you ever bought your wife tink's #69 instead of channel #5
If you have ever tried to score the racks on santa's deer
If you named your kids Fred, Matthew, Hoyt, or Martin
If you ever shot at the deer in your neighbor's christmas display
#? If ya have named yer vehicle somthin like "DoeForce 1"
#? If yer job interferes with tryin to book hog hunters
#? If yer primary concern bout landscapin is how it will look to the quail as opposed to how it will look to your wife
#? If ya own a PSE bow
#? If ya own a mathews an lay awake nights hopein ya can still buy a PSE
#? If ya'v ever snuck into work early so ya can hide yer comos before the boss gets in [less travel time when ya start complain bout the flu thet just hit ya 10 minutes after the boss arrives]
#? If the "wall paper" on yer computer is not only a hunting scene but has "BowSite" printed within it
#? If ya get more long distance calls then ya do local ones primarily from other bowhunters
#? If your long distance bill looks like a United States Bowhunter phone directory
#? If ya keep a "Will stop" target in yer livin room fer commercial breaks
#? If ya'v ever convinced yer soon to be wife thet an ELK hunt/Honymoon is a great idea
#? If ya lose every argument with yer wife after said Elk hunt/honymoon as soon as she pulls out the photo album containin the medical records fer afore mentioned festivity
#? If the glovebox of yer truck contains several packages of Broadheads, an allen wrench set, a shooting tab as well as a glove as well as a spare release, a tube of melted string wax, extra RS-Glo sight pins other spare bow parts... but yet ya can't find the registration when the officer asks for it cause its in the ashtray where it won't get string wax on it
#? If ya stapled yer wifes car awning together so it would not waste time carefully stitchin together target covers
If you keep your rattling horns in the cab of your truck year round.
If your children ask you not to hunt Santas Rein Deer durng the holidays..
If you and your wife get argue over wall paper for the bathroom. She whats flowers, you want Mossy Oak.
If every time its your turn to change your new baby girls diaper you also change her out of the pink baby out fit and put her in the Mossy Oak one.
If you dont own a computor and deliberatly sneak out of the house to surf the bowsite on the computor at work..
MAN, THIS IS SCARY.....!!!!
I DO estimate ranges...I DO pick shooting angles on cats and dogs in the neighborhood......and yes, I DID say something about gut pile during a C Section....
I Need professional help!! Or a two week float trip to Alaska...one or the other...
Laughed and groaned reading these, hit real close to home...
If, your Mother In Law refuses to ride while you're driving because you point at distant specks and yell," Deer".
If you've ever had to dig a BH out of Knotty Pine panelling in someone's family room.
If your kids as toddlers learned real quick to count to 9 because the Big'un over the mantle has 9 points. But they count,G-1,G-2.....
If you're called to school for a conference with the principal because your well behaved 12 yr old daughter called her ARA science teacher a "Damfool", and then so did you.
If your kids think Bluegill filets are what is served in heaven for breakfast, and butterfly chops for dinner...
If you've ever gone to the ER to get a Zwickey 2 blade sized gash in your left palm stitched up.
BTW,ALl of this HAS happened.....
...If you ever picked your teeth with a broadhead.
If I could get my taxidermy payments/fees below my monthly mortgage I could buy more arrows and gear.
When your two year old knows most of the big game mammals by name before she can count or say the ABCs because of the trophies on the living room wall.
When your boss looks at your sick leave record and notices that year end and year out you are always sick on opening turkey season, archery deer season and for the whole second week of November.
When your boss has to come and get you out of the bathroom stall because you have lost track of time from reading Bowhunter magazine. You have regular bathing habits through the months of September, October and November.
You convince yourself that having girls for kids is a plus because they can keep the old lady company while you are out in the woods
You are always suggesting family vacation spots in the Rocky Mountains, Canada or Alaska during the Sept - Nov timeframe.
Trick or treaters walk in the front door look at the walls and ask if you are a taxidermist.
When the neighbors call the police for disturbing the peace because you are out shooting your bow in the driveway at 11:00 PM
When your non-hunting, "city girl" wife comes home histerically explaining that she saw a big buck on the side of the road coming home from grocery shopping.
When your non-hunting co-workers question whether teaching a two year old how to shoot a bow and your four year old how to shoot a .22 is a safe thing to do
When you name your kids after your favorite elk hunting mountian range (Madison, after the Madison Range in MT) and indian tribe (Cheyenne).
You spend more per year for camo clothing then you do for work or normal clothes.
You try to convince your non-hunting friend that MREs (Meals ready to Eat) are tasty, nutritional and convenient.
You look for job opportunities not because of promotional reasons but because they are near good hunting spots.
You have to get cash advances causing your credit cards to become maxed out (for several months) in order to receive your bonus points on the various state big game hunting drawings.
You watch BAMBI with your kids and think his father was a 150 class buck and would be proud to have shot him.
Your wife notices your eyes glaze over when you see deer in the middle of summer.
The local pro shop expects to see your wife for a $300 dollar sale at christmas.
You have one drawer of clothes and three closets full of camo.
You don't know your wife's measurements, her clothes size, your kids clothes sizes, birthdates, ages, anniversary dates, important phone numbers, or any other assorted numbers-related things in life....but you do know the Pope and Young score IN DETAIL of that buck hanging on the wall.
Your wife notices that your smile in the photo with the buck you shot is bigger than the one in the family photo.
You covered your bow with the last piece of plasic and was soaked standing in the rain.
Every single item on your christmas list pertained to archery.
People often hear you wispering to yourself "pick a spot" while walking through the zoo.
The magazine rack next to the toilet is full of archery magazines.
When opening the internet it goes directly to "The Bowsite"
#100? Camoflauge is your "regular clothes" and everything else is just "stuff".
You own more than one pair of camo underwear.(I SWEAR the first six pair were bought as GAG gifts by family members)
You have ever convinced someone to let you euthanize a sick animal with a bow, so you could check out broadhead performance.
Your wife and kids use the terms "140-class" etc.,instead of BIG DEER!
# your four year old has ever asked his mother "Momma, is daddy ever gonna come home again?"
# You've ever taken a picture of your kids/family off the wall to hang a new trophy, then had an argument with your wife over it and WON !
If you'd rather pay $500 for a bare bow than $200 for a new rifle with sights. you keep trying to plan family vacations combined with hunting trips. you spend more time watching the sides of the road then the lane your driving on. the bed time stories you tell the kids involve you drawing a imaginary bow at some point.
Reason 120: You hit a deer in your car, get out and can't find it.
Then your wife says: A. You injured another deer and you can't find it ? (after you lost a big buck the week before, in rifle season hunting with a bow.) B. What was the distance at when you first saw it ? C. What class was he ? D. I supposed the car is totaled, so you'll be buying that new truck ?
My lovely wife comes from a long line of road hunting enthusiasts. True answers. A. Yes. B. 5 yards. Sneaky bastard, C. 120. D. Yes. Got a new truck 3 days later.
When you are talking to anybody and they mention they have a relative in Illinois, and immediatly start asking them if they have access to large expanses of farmland.
When that same person says what town they live in and you can actually name the county they are from because you have the Pope and Young book memorized.
(I work in a hospital) When you check every patients address that comes through your clinic to see if they live in a prospective good hunting area, and then you start probing them for specifics on if they own land or not.(I gotta stop doing that)
When your girlfriend buys you a pair of brush pants for Valentines Day because she's getting sick of seeing your good jeans ripped up after a long day of looking for shed antlers.
130. You've ever been nose to nose with the World's Largest Western Diamonback while putting the sneak on a bedded antelope buck;
131. You've ever used a climbing stand to climb a black locust tree;
132. You've ever been bent over sneaking up on a javelina and backed into a jumpin cholla and finished the stalk and made the shot BEFORE saying "SH** That Hurt!";
133. You've ever tried to make a shot hanging by your knees off the rungs of your ladder stand;
134. You sharpen your own broadheads and have the scars to prove it;
135. You've ever judo'd an squirrel only to turn around and see a 150 class buck standing there looking at you;
136. You've ever had to chase an armadillo down to get your arrow back;
137. You've ever put 8 arrows into a big boar even though you only carry six (gettin back to shoot again can be real interestin!);
138. You've ever shot a blunt at a paper cup on your way back to the truck and don't find your arrow until you get to the truck's left headlight;
139. If your lifes dream is to propel a wooden stick at a cape buffalo whose only desire at that time is to stomp you into the ground.
You live in the city and have no place to shoot your bow dayly but removed the hind legs off your Mckenzie and are happy to shoot 8 yards in your basement and don't care that your wash tubs are full of holes.
You have removed most of the spices from your wifes cupboard to see how deer will react to them.
If you buy your cover sent at the supermarket
If you spend more time in a tree than the guys that cut them for a living
If you have ever returned home from a hunt only to find your picture on the milk carton
If you have ever wandered if your mother-in-law will respond to a grunt call.
if you can buy your wife a new car each year from the proceeds you receive from the salavage check on your bent arrows.
You feel the need to pay your wife back for putting up with you all hunting season. So you book a weekend valentines package at a nice hotel. Of course the building next to the hotel has a deer and turkey show going on the same weekend !!
You can't stand cleaning dog poop up out of the yard; but have ever picked up deer poop and squished it between your fingers to check for freshness!!
When people at work offer to drive at lunch because your truck smells like Jackie's #4.
...you've shot at least two holes into your neighbor's truck cap. :)<-<
When you modify every new piece of equipment you buy, even if it's just a little. My wife just loves it when I do this. Every once in a while I happen to wreck something when I am modifying it.
When your 18-month old daughter can say deer, elk, moose, bear, sheep, duck, antler, gun and bow with surprising clarity and actually know what they mean!
When you hate to drive just 12 minutes into town to get a few groceries for your wife, but you think nothing at all of driving 60 miles (one way) to check out a potential new good hunting spot.
When you have lost several perfectly good $6 arrows trying to hone your "instinctive shooting skills" in the dark, with only a very small light illuminating the target.
When one of your ice chests is riddled with holes after being used as a platform to set your target on while sighting your new bow in.
When you put your baby girl in the backpack and then on your back, then hop on the 4-wheeler to go get momma's deer out of the woods.
When your fingertips look like a well-used cutting board from testing out the sharpness of your broadheads.